Tending to the Ego: How Leaders Can Stay Grounded in Tough Moments
Let me tell you a secret
Your ego is irrational.
It’s out there all day, every day, blowing things out of proportion, misreading data, inflating and deflating the facts, serving up terrible analysis all in the name of protecting your sense of self.
Everywhere you turn, your ego is putting you at the center of the universe (you’re not) and pushing you to make decisions based on a skewed understanding of the world.
Nowhere does this show up more clearly than in a difficult conversation.
When you’re in conflict with someone—especially when it’s about something that matters—your ego goes into overdrive. If you're anything like me, it discovers new powers and depths of imagination. The story you tell yourself becomes fully dimensional, with every color in the spectrum. Like Frankenstein’s monster, it’s alive.
When we start talking about ego, things can get esoteric fast. We can wave away the insights as psychobabble or spiritual mumbo jumbo.
But the truth is, when ego’s in the driver’s seat, we careen around corners at full speed, blind to the nuance and possibility of what’s actually happening. We’re driven by scarcity or pride, and finding our way to the truth gets harder and harder.
And for leaders, the truth matters. Nothing matters more.
If you’re living in an ego-built fantasyland, you make poorer decisions. You lead your team, your business, and yourself away from the very outcomes you’re aiming for. You override your wiser, more grounded instincts—and risk losing the thread entirely.
Putting ego in its place
Ego isn’t bad. It just is.
The problem comes when it takes charge.
The key isn’t to reject or fight your ego. The key is to anchor in what’s true before you get into the moments where ego loves to take over. (Hint: those moments show up daily.)
One of ego’s favorite stages? The dreaded feedback conversation.
Whether we’re giving or receiving feedback, our egos can latch onto our “rightness” and push us to defend at all costs. Or they keep us from talking about the real issue altogether. Often, they keep us from giving or seeking feedback in the first place.
How do you know your ego is hijacking the moment? Because feedback is just data—but before you even receive it, ego corrupts it to protect your self-image from whatever story it might tell.
If feedback is just data, why is it so scary?
Let’s talk about feedback as data for a second.
Not only is feedback data—it’s data of varying quality.
Some is high-quality: timely, grounded in evidence, clear-eyed, and offered with good intent.
Some is corrupted: biased, outdated, shaped by old assumptions or bad faith.
And a whole lot of feedback falls somewhere in between.
Even as experienced leaders, we swing wildly in how we interpret feedback. Sometimes, we see it as holy truth, other times as total fiction. And again, ego’s in the driver’s seat.
Why? Because your ego sees feedback not as data—but as the answer to these questions:
Do I belong?
Am I valuable?
Am I safe?
Am I a good [leader/employee/colleague/person]?
Am I able to learn and grow?
Am I going to be okay?
These aren’t simple questions. They’re existential.
They go to the heart of our self-worth, our well-being, our identity. And trying to use feedback to answer them is like fueling a car with motor oil. You won’t get far, and you might do some damage along the way.
Putting the ego at ease
The best way to keep ego in check is to anchor yourself in the right answers to those questions—before you step into a moment where you might reach for the wrong ones.
And here’s my second secret: The answer to each of those questions can be yes, regardless of the feedback you’re about to give or receive.
If you enter a difficult conversation with a no or I don’t know hanging over your head, you’ll likely end up in fight-or-flight. You’ll lose whatever growth or clarity that moment could have offered.
But when you start from yes, these conversations become fertile ground. They help you grow, build trust, and connect in ways you never could from a place of fear.
To start from yes, you have to face these questions head-on and on your own. The formula is simple. The practice is hard. But it’s worth it.
Try this: Before any moment where ego might hijack the wheel, ask yourself each question. Reflect on why your answer is what it is.
Do I belong?
Am I valuable?
Am I safe?
Am I a good [leader/employee/colleague/person]?
Am I able to learn and grow?
Am I going to be okay?
For any question where your answer isn’t a clear yes, ask yourself:
What must be true for me to be certain?
What action can I take to make this true?
Those answers give you a roadmap: a grounded mindset, and a next step to help you get there.
Putting it into practice
The next time you find yourself white-knuckling through a difficult moment, pause. Notice the stories your ego is spinning, and look for small ways to reground in what you know is true. Use these questions (and this worksheet) to anchor yourself in clarity.
From that grounded place, you’ll lead with more calm, confidence, and wisdom. You’ll make better decisions, strengthen trust, and create results—for yourself and your business—that are not only powerful, but built to last.
